1 Year and 4 Days Ago

I stood on the porch of an orphan home in Paynesville, Liberia and waited.  It was only a minute or two but it felt like an eternity.  Then through the door walked the tiniest 7 year old boy I had ever seen in my life.  My first thought was NOT "my son!"  It was, "good God he's tiny, I wonder if he has dwarfism and no one told me.  Hum...."  

I know what your thinking, not really PC.  But those were my first thoughts and they will forever be burned in my memory.  My second thought was "What do I say?"

I couldn't figure this one out so he and I just stared at each other for a few minutes.  Nothing was said between us.  Just utter, unbearable silence.  Until he looked at me and said, "you my ma?"  I looked at him and all I could say was "yes."

Good and Sad

This week has been one of ups and downs.  I'll start off with the sad.  

Early Friday morning my grandfather passed away.  He was an amazing man that I loved so much.  When I think of him, I think of one word.  Noble.  He was the definition of the word.  He was the kind of man kings were made of.  He was a wonderful father, a loving and devoted husband, an amazing lawyer, a spectacular grandfather, and the most incredible great-grandfather.

These photos were the last time Isaac and I saw him.  He was so accepting, and so in love with Isaac.  From the moment he knew of him he accepted him as a Tarquini and as the patriarch of our family there was no greater honor.  Isaac loved him and I am so happy he had the opportunity to know him, hug him, and see he was loved by him.

On to the good.  We met with Isaac's surgeon, Dr. Tolo and he will be having his spinal surgery either in June or July this summer (they are going to call me to tell me which Friday will be his day).  Isaac will be in surgery for 7-8 hours, in ICU for 1-2 days, then in the hospital for 5-7 days.  He'll be on "home" recovery for 3-4 weeks, and will be snowboarding by Thanksgiving.  He'll be having surgery at Children's Hospital in Los Angeles.

So that has been our week.  It's been happy and sad, up and down, left and right.  But it's over now.  So next week I'm praying will be better.

Have you ever woken up and just knew it was going to be a sad day?

Myanmar Cyclone

I have to ask the question since no one else is.

WHY is it that the death toll is over 21,000 with another 41,000 still missing, and the coverage is minimal!  There is more info on Britney Spear's child custody case (which was a closed hearing) than on the thousands of dead and the close to a million people homeless.  Now I know that the coverage is slow because the country won't let reporters in, but if you turn on the news in Europe you will see coverage of what is going on and what you can do to help.  Why can't I turn on Fox, CBS, NBC, or ABC and see the same?  We are one of the "greatest" nations in the world, if Europe can do it, so can we!

 I guess it is only another third world country, it's not America.  It's not New Orleans or anything, so why should it be all over the news, why should American care!  America can care even without being allowed in the country.  President Bush for all his faults has promised a lot of money to the people of Myanmar, but it's hard to find out info on that since no one is covering it. 

Enough with the excuses even without reporters on the ground, there is enough info coming out of Myanmar to cover it more extensively in this country.

16 minutes and 32 seconds

That is how long David Blaine can hold his breathe underwater.  Now I have to ask....WHO CARES!  First off, why does the world care if a man can hold his breathe for this long.  When will this skill ever come in handy?

I am amazed at what people care about.  In the last couple of days I have had the opportunity to learn about a guy named Daniel Lipparelli who is 2 years older than me, and is in Kenya saving lives everyday.  This is someone that I want to know more about.  Why is it that in our society we put so much emphasis on celebrities, Hollywood, and money.  Believe me I live in this world, I work in this world, I rub shoulders with these people all the time and I can tell you they are just like us.  Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt shop at my Ralphs when they're in town, and I can tell you they buy frozen food just like me and you (except you Katy...I wish I had your discipline).

So why's it that someone like David Blaine can be all over the news and a guy like Daniel isn't.  Shouldn't we put more emphasis on people that are actually doing something to change the world and help people!

I was talking to my Executive Producer a really great guy, and we were talking about how if we mess up in our job NO ONE DIES!  I work in TV the worse case scenario is that I tick off a network producer and they yell at me.  I hate to go off, but today I've had a lot of time to think.

I read an article this morning about how the average home in America has more TV's than there are people in the the home!  WHY????  In Africa more than 50% of the population 300 million people out of 600 million people don't even have enough water to stay alive let alone healthy and we have too many TVs.

I love America.  I am so grateful for everything God has blessed me with.  I love my job, I adore my son, and I feel blessed to be able to live where I live.  But It kills me when I look around my community and realize that if each person gave a very small amount of what they have, children wouldn't cry of hunger, mother's wouldn't die during child birth, and everyone could enjoy a glass of clean water.

But hey we do have a man that can hold his breathe for 16 minutes and 32 seconds.

If God Wrote a Love Song to me...

It would sound like this...

When the road gets dark and you can no longer see

Just let my love throw a spark and have a little faith in me.

And when the tears you cry are all you can believe

Just give these loving arms a try baby and have a little faith in me.

Have a little faith in me, have a little faith in me.

And when your secret heart cannot speak so easily

Come here darling, from a whisper start and have a little faith in me.

And when your back's against the wall just turn around and you, you will see

I will catch you, I will catch your fall, just have a little faith in me.

Have a little faith in me, have a little faith in me.

'Cause I've been loving you, for such a long, long time expecting nothing in return.

Just for you to have a little faith in me.

You see time, time is our friend 'cause for us, there is no end.

And all you gotta do, is have a little faith in me.

I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up

And your love, gives me strength enough to have a little faith in me.

All you gotta do for me girl is have a little faith in me.

47%

47% that's my son's lung capacity and if you are wondering, no it's not good.  The lowest it should be is around 72%.  So Isaac normal size 8 year old lungs can't expand enough in his 3 year old size chest.  So there's some concern, but he should be okay for surgery, but this is one more reason why he needs surgery so bad.  His lungs are healthy but there's no room and if you have met Isaac you know that his heart is just too big and takes up a lot of room!

Lately Isaac's been really clingy.  I asked him why he keeps hanging on me all the time and he said, "because you're cute!"

I have to say that I have so much respect and admiration for doctors.  I think people in general take them for granted until they need them.  When I walk through the halls of Children's Hospital and I see the doctors walking through the halls, I want to stop each and everyone of them and tell them how much they mean to me and my son.  How much they mean to every child in the building.  So I think we should have "Hug a Doctor" day.  When you see a doctor, give them a hug.  Tell them how much they mean.  It makes me wonder if it's too late for me to go back to med-school?  

It's been a very interesting month.  I have fallen so in love with my son this month.  It's hard to explain to people who haven't gone through the struggles of adopting an older child, but as I spend time alone with Isaac I have begun to slowly understand his pain and sadness, and it breaks my heart, but opens it even more to him.

We were waiting for an appointment today and Isaac has gotten to spelling everything he sees.  If he sees a word he spells it out loud and then says the word he just spelled.  He saw the word "love", and without thinking he said, "L-O-V-E, Elizabeth".  I looked at him and said "what?"  He said it again, "L-O-V-E, Elizabeth".  Elizabeth is his birth mother's name.  It almost broke out into tears, because he didn't even realize what he had just said.  He spell Love, but then said his B-ma's name.  None of us will ever understand what our children go through when they are given away, left behind, let go of.

Isaac's smile hides a lot.  Inside him is a sadness, an extreme fear, and a brokenness. I believe for a moment Isaac expressed something that was deep inside his heart that needed to be expressed.  "Love, Elizabeth".  All I could say is, "Yes, L-O-V-E...Elizabeth, she is love, she showed me what love is Isaac."

Redeeming Waters International

Okay so I have finally gotten a temporary website up for the new group we've started called Redeeming Waters International (RWI).

In a nut shell our goal is to provide water filtration systems to orphanages and foster homes in Africa and Southeast Asia.  Please check out our new web page at:

www.redeemingwatersinternational.com

Please spread the word, make a donations, help us get the worlds most vulnerable citizens clean drinking water!  

Let me know what you think!

Hearts, Therapy, and Closure

So you would think that all the above have to do with each other, but in truth they don't. 

My grandfather had a valve transplant today.  They tried to do the surgery on Monday but it didn't work so they had to go about it another way today.  It went well, but his heart isn't strong enough now and they have him on machines to help his body.  I'm afraid I'll lose one of the few strong men in my life.  It took me 18 years to truly understand my grandfather and for him to understand me, but once that day happened, my respect for him was immeasurable.  He has lived such a rich life, raised a family, been a successful lawyer, and loved his grandchildren unconditionally. I pray my husband one day is that kind of grandfather to his grandchildren.  Isaac is angry because he wants to see him again.  He asked me tonight if he'll ever hug his great great grandpop again.  I didn't know what to say.  So please pray for his heart.  Pray for his strength.  Pray he doesn't need the machine and can make it till my son can hug him once more.  

Isaac and I started therapy this week.  There is a lot that people don't tell you about adopting older children from war torn countries.  No one wants to believe their child could have issues, but no matter who the child is, if they have lived through the things Isaac has or some of the other older children also adopted have, they are going to have issues, fears, insecurities, and broken hearts that need to be dealt with and mended.  I'll post more on this later.  

On closure, many of you have guessed that I find myself once again single.  I ended my 5 month relationship a few weeks ago.  It was a good decision that God gave me a lot of peace about before I ended it.  I'm actually really looking forward to time with just me and Isaac.  I didn't really have that when he first came home.  I started a new relationship soon after he came home, and never really enjoyed the single mom way of life.  And I'm really enjoying it just being him and me.  Most women need to figure out who they are as married women, wives, before they can become mothers.  Well for me I need to figure out who I am as a mother, a mom, before I'm going to be able to be a wife.  You can ask my mom, I've never done thing in a conventional or traditional way.

But don't worry I haven't given up that my IMM (International Man of Mystery) is still out there!

And then a grinding sound

So on Monday as I was driving home I heard a grinding sound coming from the front of my car.  Dread set in almost immediately!  I knew I needed breaks, but being the single mom I am, I had to figure out how to get my car to the shop, Isaac to school, and myself to work all at the same time without a car in L.A.

So this morning I dropped off my car at a Ford dealership (you know they rip you off), but I did it because it was next to the metro train station and I could take the train right to work.  So I just got the call from the evil overpriced dealer and holy crap $630.00!

I need all new front breaks including rooters, pads, breaks, back breaks need to be cleaned, and my fluids need to be flushed!  FLUSHED!  My fluids need to be flushed!  I'm probably getting ripped off, actually I know I am, but I can't get the car to my normal guy who would do a great job and hook me up!

Being on your own can be seriously expensive...they don't tell you that in the single mom brochure!  So all you married couples turn and look at your partner and say "thank you for being there to take me to the mechanic when my car breaks down!"

The vows should say "till death do us part, and when the car breaks down, AMEN!"

26 years ago today

26 years ago today my mom was in Eugene, Oregon at the hospital ticked off because her doctor just came in and told her that he would have to do a Cesarean to get me out.  I was stubborn and hard headed even then.

1 year ago today I was double checking my USCIS paperwork because I was going to drop it off the next morning to get US approval to adopt Isaac.

So much can change in such a short time.  It has been a year of sadness, joy, excitement, love, brokenness, togetherness, loneliness, happiness, waiting, CHANGE.  It's been more good than bad, more happy than sad, more excitement than disappointment.

I have watched God change me.  Show me who he wants me to be.  He's spoken so clearly to me and made me promises of "all that you know is about to change" and only asked me to trust him in return.  He has put my heart and mind at ease, because I know that he holds them ever so tenderly in his hands.

It's been an amazing year, an amazing 26 years.  Every moment has led up to who I am right now.  The way my mother raised me, I am who I am today, I love the way I love today, I have compassion for those I have compassion for because of the way my mom raised me and God made me.

I spent so much of the last year of my life waiting, and I'm hoping to spend the next year living.  So today I'm 26, I'm a quarter century old.  I get a discount on my car insurance, I don't have to pay extra when I rent a car, I'm now closer to 30 than 20, and I have only just begun to live my life!